


45: A RoyEd Police AU

by RoyEdIsMyAesthetic



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Adult Humor, Cars, Comedy, Cops, Driving, Handcuffs, Jokes, M/M, One Shot, Police, car, closet, cop, police officer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 13:53:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7317832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyEdIsMyAesthetic/pseuds/RoyEdIsMyAesthetic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ed wasn't in the house at the time though. Alphonse found him drunk in his living room, splayed out on the couch, crying and using his bare hands to scoop ice cream out of a tub of Ben and Jerry's. Simply put, losing Roy hurt like a b*tch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	45: A RoyEd Police AU

Things between Roy and Ed were going fucking great.

And then they weren't.

They had just moved in together, and as how moving in together always is, it was a big step for them. It showed that they were committed to one another and they wanted to have a future together. They wanted the other to be the first person they saw in the morning and the last person they saw before they closed their eyes at night.

And then someone said something. Words are toxic like that.

Ed didn't even remember what was even said or who even said it- it was just so stupid. After that, someone said something else, and before Ed knew it, he was staring at Roy's back as he stormed out the front door. Roy sent Riza to pick up his things the next morning.

Ed wasn't in the house at the time though. Alphonse found him drunk in his living room, splayed out on the couch, crying and using his bare hands to scoop ice cream out of a tub of Ben and Jerry's.

Simply put, losing Roy hurt like a bitch.

They never talked. They had been avoiding each other since they had their falling out. Nowadays... well... life was shitty. And just when life gets shitty, it decides to get even shittier.

Ed was driving the down the two lane highway, listening to Zendaya on the radio garbled by static. He almost jumped out of his seat as he heard the piercing scream of a police car siren. Looking out of his rear view mirror, he saw the black car trailing after him with red and orange lights flashing. The shadowy figure behind the wheel gestured for him to pull off to the side of the road.

Ed rolled his eyes upward and cursed at the higher power who had it out for him, and he decreased his speed, turned on his blinkers, and slowly pulling over to the gravely side of the road where a forest of grasses and wildflowers grew.

He parked and turned off the engine as gravel behind his car turned over and the cop car rolled in just after him.

"Fuck my life," Ed muttered, rolling down his window.

A slam was heard as the officer in blue shut his car door. Ed ground his teeth, and keeping his hands on the wheel, he looked straight ahead as the officer then slowly sauntered over as if he had all the time in the world. The officer let out a heavy breath and placed a hand on the window sill before he made a show of slowly bending over at the waist and looked in through the window of the car, dramatically removing the dark shades from his eyes and pushing the toothpick that he was chewing off to the corner of his mouth.

"Sir, I need to see your license and registration, please," the officer said in a cool, rolling voice.

Ed tightened his grip on the wheel and looked over at the young officer who stood to his right. "Mustang, you must be out of your damn mind if you think that's gonna happen!" he spat.

Roy loudly tapped his baton against the side of the car. "License and registration please, Sir!" he said in a louder voice, staying in character.

Ed rolled his eyes. "I don't have the time for this..."

"Have you been drinking, Sir?" Roy asked calmly with a small, condescending smirk dancing upon his lips.

"Okay, that's it!" Ed snapped, stepping out of the car and slamming the door behind him. "What in the world do you want from me?!"

"Sir, calm down," Roy warned, putting a hand on his hip, "Or I will be forced to tase you in the face."

"You don't have a taser!" Ed cried, looking Roy up and down.

Roy shifted his weight and nonchalantly spat out the toothpick his was chewing on, letting it land upon the grass below him before he spoke. "Maybe I do have a taser and you just don't know where I'm keeping it. Anyway, do you know why I pulled you over this afternoon, Sir?"

"Why? Did you forget? Or was it because you were bored and wanted someone to talk to?!"

"You were doing forty five in a forty," Roy sang, "The law... is the law."

"Only five miles?" Ed retorted, "Looks like you need to raise the damn speed limit..."

Roy's brow furrowed as he studied his ex boyfriend, sizing him up. "Maybe you have been drinking. Sir, I'm gonna need you to stand on one foot and hop up and down at a medium pace. Sing me a song while you're at it."

"Oh, just give me the ticket and go," Ed moaned. He pointed over his shoulder at the trunk of the car. "If I don't get this meth to Winry quick, she'll fucking gut me." 

The corner of Roy's lips twitched to the right, and then the next two seconds went by in a blur. Roy took his handcuffs off of his belt, wrenched Ed's hands behind his back, and shoved him forward, pushing him up against the side of his police car. A thud was heard as Ed's body met the metal door and the tinted window.

"It was a joke!" Ed shouted, squirming underneath Roy's hold.

"Yeah, and you'll be laughing when you're in a holding cell! You just don't tell an officer of the law that you're transporting meth and then expect to get off!"

"You may want to rephrase that..." Ed mumbled to himself.

"Your hands are behind your back, Fullmetal, it isn't happening!"

"I have my methods!" Ed sang in an unusually high pitched voice, as if offended. "Watch me, I'm flexible! I'm like a fucking acrobat!" he said, shaking his shoulders from side to side as if that proved his point. "And besides, me going commando makes it all the easier!"

"You're going commando?" Roy questioned with genuine curiosity.

"Course I'm not! I'm wearing leather pants; what do you think, bastard?!"

Ed's face twisted with pain as his arms were twisted back into an even more uncomfortable position and cold metal handcuffs were slapped onto his wrists.

"I have to say, Mustang... things are escalating pretty quickly. Are you sure you don't wanna take this to the bedroom?"

"Fullmetal, you are being an exceptional pain in my ass right now..." Roy growled.

"Just how I like it," Ed retorted, which earned him a hand digging into the back of his neck, pressing him hard against the car.

"You have the right to remain silent and refuse to answer questions," Roy recited. "Anything you say can or will be held against you."

After saying those words, Roy paused as he sensed something change in his former lover whom he was currently pinning down. A mischievous smile spread across Edward's face which was more cocky than any smile he had ever given before.

Anything you say can or will be held against you.

"YOUR DICK," Ed stated triumphantly.

"YOU ARE WALKING ON A VERY FINE LINE, ELRIC!" Roy shouted, "You should watch yourself, because I may not have a taser, but I do have a gun, and guess how many fucks I give about using it to silence you. Permanently. So you better shut your fucking mouth and get in the fucking car and if you give another lame ass retort... you know what?! Just get in the fucking car, jackass!"

"The fucking car it is," Ed replied coolly.

And into the back of the fucking car he went.

It was only a five minute drive to the police station, and the time spent consisted of Ed cracking jokes and Roy ignoring them. When Roy finally pulled into a parking space, he turned off the engine and just sat there for a while with his head hanging.

"Hey!" Ed called sharply, "Listen up! So a truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the car. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your lights, I knew I was screwed."

"...it's like driving down a long road with absolutely nothing of interest at the other end..." Roy sighed tiredly, "That was probably the worst joke yet."

"But you liked it!" Ed chirped, pleased that he had gotten a reaction.

"In your wet dreams, maybe. Now let's go inside before we get heat stroke. It's burning up in here..."

"My door's locked," Ed stated bluntly.

"I know that. That's why I'm coming around to get you."

Roy stepped out of the car and walked around to release the handcuffed blond. Ed was surprisingly silent as he was led through the doors of the air conditioned police department building and was hurried down an unusually empty hallway.

Ed narrowed his eyes. "Hey... where are we going? Aren't I supposed to be checked in at a desk or something?"

"Don't tell me how to do my job..." Roy muttered, stopping in front of a door labeled 'Janitor's Closet'. He took a hand away from Ed's arm and opened up the door.

"What are we doing at a janitor's closet?" Ed questioned, as Roy flicked on the light.

"I'm stuffing you inside," Roy said firmly.

Ed immediately struggled to free himself from Roy's clutches. Roy did his best to shove the surprisingly strong blond into the closet and not get elbowed in the face in the process.

"It was such a bother to come out of the closet, so why the fuck are you trying to shove me back in?! HELP! HE'S GONE NUTS!" Ed shouted at absolutely one at all, "I'M BI AND I'M BEING OPPRESSED BY AN OFFICER OF THE LAW! I'M BEING ASSAULTED! DID YOU HEAR ME?!"

No one came to his aid as he was forced against a shelf of cleaning supplies. A roll of toilet paper fell from the top shelf and landed at his feet with a soft thud.

"YOU PEOPLE ARE USELESS, YA KNOW THAT?!" Ed shouted to any other officer who could be listening outside in the hallway, "I'M BEING ASSAULTED! I'M BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED! THE PEDOPHILE HAS HIS HANDS ALL OVER MY UNMENTIONABLES!"

Roy slammed the door closed and put his hands on Ed's upper arms, holding him still.

"ED!" he snapped.

A loud smack resonated off of the walls of the dimly lit closet as the back of Roy's hand met Ed's left cheek.

Edward froze with surprise. He blinked once before calmly looking back at the raven haired man in blue as he closed his onyx eyes and let out a quiet breath. He eventually opened his eyes again.

"Sorry," Roy apologized, "We needed to talk in private. Now then..."

The look in his eyes softened. "Why are you being so damn difficult?" he asked lightly.

Ed silently stared back at Roy, his face passive, but the look in his eyes was gentle and somewhat anxious and pained.

Roy's frown deepened. "What? After all of this, you finally decide to go quiet?"

Ed wet his lips before speaking. "I... I just missed the sound of your voice," he whispered. "That's all."

Roy's heart wrenched in his chest.

"I.... I wanted you to talk to me," Ed continued, his eyes glassy. "And I was willing to say anything to get you to do that. I'm sorry, Roy. Not for earlier, because that was sort of funny, but... I'm sorry for whatever I said to you a month ago that hurt you and made you want to leave. I must have said something awful."

Roy watched with eyes wide as the handcuffed blond bowed his head and his lower lip began to quiver.

Ed's voice trembled as tears began to form in his eyes. "I...I th-think about you day and night and I can't eat and I can't sleep... and those things are twenty percent of who I am, Mustang! I just... I just want you back! I just..."

Edward took a small step back as Roy suddenly came forward enveloping him in a warm embrace. Ed eventually relaxed and buried his face in the fabric of Roy's scratchy police uniform.

"I'm sorry too," Roy sang softly, resting his chin upon Edward's head of silky golden hair, blinking moisture away from his eyes. "Anything I said... I didn't mean it. I... I've missed you. More than you know."

Roy heard Edward sniffle quietly below him.

"Come on, Fullmetal. Let's get you cleaned up. You're wetting the front of my shirt."

"After you un-cuff me," Ed whimpered.

With a tight lipped smile, Roy planted a tender kiss on Edward's forehead. He took a second before speaking.

"I still have to arrest you though. And you still have to pay the driving ticket. I have a monthly quota I need to meet."

In the blink of an eye, Edward wrestled himself out of Roy's arms and forcefully shoved the elder man back into the metal shelf behind him, sending bottles of cleaning chemicals raining down as he kicked the door outward and took off running down the hall.

After getting his bearings, Roy ran out of the closet and looked at the boy whose hands were mysteriously uncuffed. With a wide smile on his face, Ed tossed the set of keys he had stolen off of Roy's belt up into the air, showing them off before he caught them in his hand again.

"Ha-ha! PLOT TWIST, BITCH!" Edward shouted happily, walking backward and whipping out the middle finger. "I have some sticky fingers don't I?!"

"HEY!" Roy shouted sharply, dashing after him.

Edward turned around and sprinted down the hall, disappearing behind the corner.

"ED, COME BACK! Aw, FUCK!"

Roy continued to run as he took his walkie talkie off of his belt and spoke into it. "I need backup waiting at the front door- we have a little red runt on the loose!" Roy skidded to a halt in the main lobby as officers Furey, Havoc, and Hughes, rushed past, following Edward out the open double doors of the building and down the front steps.

"There's no use running!" Roy called, cupping his hands over his mouth.

"YEAH, WELL THIS ABSOLUTELY DRY AND UNINSPIRED ONE-SHOT'S GOTTA END SOMEHOW, BASTARD!" Ed called back, making a sharp left at the parking lot.

Roy ran out the door, and stopping at the top step, he shouted at the top of his lungs.

"HEY! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!!"

 

The End.


End file.
